feedback is that the shortened version is more suspenseful? do you find this to be true?



Jason knew it had not been wise to let the young couple spend the night in the decadently upholstered  master bed in the bedroom of King Daclun,. the third, on the exclusive fifth floor of the Alchemical Museum in Edinburgh; but what worth was wisdom when love was so fragile and so rare?  Jason had made up his mind, ages ago, that when love made itself known, he’d add a wee bit of glow to it, a wee bit of comfort if he could, because love would not last long and it would most likely leave through treachery, death, betrayal, or all three.

he forced himself to rise and walk the halls for his hourly rounds. He walks into what looks like the memory of his first love, just sitting there and sobbing.    He collapses slowly down, onto the cold floor, beside his memory of his first love,  was this her memory too? He was trying to form a clear thought when something crawled into his lap.  Now it was his turn to scream.

Okay, now he’s in danger. We can see impending danger. Not less interesting – more suspenseful.

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